10 Ways we are Breaking all of the Rules, and Loving it!

How many times were we told as children: "Clean your plate", "Don't talk with your mouth full", "Don't play with your food"?  I'm not saying that our mothers, and those generations of mothers before us, we're wrong. But sometimes rules are made to be broken.  And when you are a mother of a child who has sensory processing disorder, often those rules are thrown out the window altogether. But that isn't necessarily a bad thing, and it doesn't mean that the children are running wild with no discipline at all. It simply means that the "rules" aren't as important as the development of the child.

Here are some ways that we are breaking all of the rules, and loving it:

1.  Don't play with your food:  A huge part of JC's therapy for tactile aversion is messy play and we often use food for this. If he can't stand to touch applesauce, he will never eat it!  So desensitizing him to the feel of those textures is an important way to pave the path for him to eventually explore them with his mouth. Creating a fun activity with those items that he avoids reduces the anxiety that he feels and will hopefully allow him to associate food with fun rather than pain, angst and fear.

2. Clean your plate:  When a child has anxiety related to food, adding to that anxiety by forcing them to eat is going to be counter-productive. I have even found that limiting the amount of food that I put on JC's plate helps this anxiety level a great deal. If he has more than a few bites on his plate at once, it seems too overwhelming and he will push the plate away and refuse to eat altogether.  Likewise, if there is more than one type of food on his plate, its harder to get him to eat anything at all.  So I try using separate bowls so that he can focus on one item at a time.  It also helps that he knows he can push one bowl away and still have the other to eat from.  I also only put a small amount out at first. If he starts to eat it, he will usually ASK for more which gives him a more proactive role in the meal-time process.

3. No dessert until AFTER you clean your plate:  Let's face it, if JC hasn't eaten in 2 days and he asks for a cookie, I'm going to give it to him. With his food allergies, there are very few "treats" that he can have but he can have Oreos. I have found that ANY form of eating usually leads to more eating so I will allow the cookie on occasion to break down that wall of resistance to food.  After all, the anxiety and aversion isn't because he isn't hungry, or because he is being difficult. It's because during those periods he simply cannot stand the thought of putting food in his mouth. If we get be done that, the result is eating... No matter what it is that he is eating.  And sometimes I will add a cookie to his dinner plate with a banana or a bit of chicken. Seeing the cookie helps him to not reject the plate immediately.

4.  He is too old for a bottle:  Well, ok. Maybe he is.  My older son was bottle-free at a year old and JC is 28 months old now.  Am I just too lenient?  Am I loosing my touch as a mom?  Have simply decided that at this point, pushing JC to give up the only source of nutrients that keeps him healthy and thriving would do more harm than good. Maybe I'm wrong, but with all that he has been through, having a bottle is the least of my worries.  And yes, I have tried to transition to a sippy cup. He seems to have difficulty in drinking from a sippy (oral motor skills problem) and often ends up choking are spitting/drooling the liquid out of his mouth.  And remember, we are talking about a child who hates to have certain textures in his mouth. A hard rubbery sippy cup spout seems to be one of those textures. I should also note that JC never used a pacifier. The bottle also gives him that oral stimulation of sucking that many children with SPD continue to need beyond infancy.  Ok, enough about food...

5.   Don't climb on the furniture:  Movement and climbing I a necessity for many children with SPD (see JC's Extra-Special Needs ). So how do you encourage that movement when its 40 degrees outside or raining?  Furniture jungle gym!  Yes, there are limits.  JC would love to climb up the stairs on the outside of the railing like a  monkey if I would let him. But what I can do is provide a structured play area where he can get this type of physical activity. Today we used an ottoman and chair and JC climbed from one to the other and then jumped off into my arms. We also sometimes create a maze of bar stools for him to climb under and through.  Bottom line:  climbing is good, as long as it is safe and supervised.

6.  Don't climb UP the slide, use the stairs:  Climbing up the slide is one of the most available and effective activities at providing a workout in balance, heavy work, and proprioceptive input. We have a rope hanging over the slide outside of this very purpose. JC loves to walk up the slide while pulling himself up with the rope.  Again, as long he is supervised and safe, I encourage that activity as often as possible.

7.  Don't talk with your mouth full:  Granted, this rule exists for the benefit of the onlooker more than for the child, but for a child like JC who exhibits problems with eating AND speech I will never squash either activity - even if they happen at the same time.

8.  Don't give gum to young children:  I realize this is a safety concern, and as I have already mentioned, this activity also needs supervision. For children with problems related to oral motor skills, chewing gum is a great way to strengthen those muscles.  It also provides that oral sensory input that many crave.

9.  You should not co-sleep with your children:  At some point, after months of sleepless nights, I decided that forcing my infant to sleep in a separate room wasn't worth the agony that it was causing for him and for me. That was 6 years ago when BB (my oldest) was an infant. It was a survival mechanism.  I was exhausted from getting up 5 times a night to soothe him and I refused to use the "cry it out method".  At that point I knew nothing of SPD, but I think he would have benefited from a weighted blanket.  But once we started co-sleeping, we both were much happier.  So when JC was born I vowed not to even fight the battle of sleeping apart.  As I have mentioned, JC was a miserable infant.  He cried most of the time and nursed constantly.  He had severe reflux and spit up most of what he at so he was hungry an hour later.  There was no way that I was going to get up every hour to feed him!  So, he slept with me. It was the only time that he seemed at ease.  He is now 2 and still sleeps with me.  Our bedtime routine is a soothing, enjoyable experience unlike the hours of struggle that I put myself through with BB.  Bedtime became a time that we both dreaded.  Co-sleeping is a personal decision.  I'm not saying that every person should do it and if your child is happy sleeping in another room - great. But I wish there wasn't such judgement placed on those of us who do.  It is in fact very natural.  I recently read about  study that looked at various cultures and their sleeping methods.  They found that children in those cultures that accepted co-sleeping were much less anxious and were more secure in their emotional attachments.  (Read the article HERE - its a great read!) For a child like JC who struggles with anxiety - co-sleeping may help to soothe him and provide that attachment that he knows is always there.  Plus, some SPD children crave the pressure of weight or feeling of touch on then while the sleep - JC is definitely one of these.

10.  Don't coddle that child!:  This one probably sends my blood boiling more than any of the others. JC doesn't have a behavior problem. I am not coddling him by "giving in" to his needs. I am creating an environment that is suitable for him to feel safe and comfortable. When your child has special needs, you see the world through their eyes.  I walk into a situation and immediately evaluate what he may have difficulties with and try to avoid or accommodate his needs. Are the lights too bright? Maybe we can sit somewhere else.  Is the crowd too loud? Maybe we can use headphones.  Is there too much stimulation for him to focus and listen to me? Maybe I can provide an activity that channels his focus so that he doesn't become overwhelmed.   If he is overstimulated and needs to bury his head in my neck and have some mommy snuggles, then I am happy to provide that safe place for him to feel at ease.  Trying to get him to go outside of his comfort zone may be necessary in some situations, but at 2 years old he doesn't understand that. So it is important to him that I am there to help him cope and adapt, not just change his behavior.

Breaking the rules is working for us. And we are creating our own rules along the way.